The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
