she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
