i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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