Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
