just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
