It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize