my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
