What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
