You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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