Banned from zoo.
Again?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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