I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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