My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
