I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
