my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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