You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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