Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
