he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize