What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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