you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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