You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
