Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
What drink are we having for lunch?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
