I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
