God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
