toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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