we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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