guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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