i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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