I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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