Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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