you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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