i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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