I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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