I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
