it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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