you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
