no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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