you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
