The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize