i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
