I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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