You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
