she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
