I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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