Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
