i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
