I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize