he shaved USA in his pubs
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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