My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
