maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
