I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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