I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
