I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
