He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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