Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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