I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I am naked and annoyed.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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